But It's Literature, I Tell You!

Let's see, Miami City Attorney Jorge Fernandez is either grossly incompetent or worse (see testimony in fire fee scandal), is unable to review contracts (see Orange Bowl fiasco), and takes expensive trips to Hawaii on the taxpayer dole.

He also sends lucky lawyers in his office to screenwriting class.

Maybe that's where Assistant Miami City Attorney Bill Juliachs came up with this literary gem:

A Dec. 31 office-wide e-mail from Juliachs has stirred controversy for including the following quote from 18th century French writer-philosopher Voltaire:

``I would like to know which is worse: being raped a hundred times by negro pirates, having a buttock chopped off, running the gauntlet of the Bulgars . . . being dissected, rowing in a galley, in short, suffering all the misfortunes we've all suffered, or being stuck here doing nothing?''

Juliachs intended the e-mail to be motivational, but many took it to be offensive.

''Totally uncalled for,'' Fernandez described it.

Juliachs has been formally reprimanded and ordered to attend diversity training. He must also write a letter of apology to coworkers. He did not return phone calls seeking a comment Monday.

''He quotes ad nauseam FDR, Descartes and Plato -- and Shakespeare galore,'' Fernandez said. 'He can never write a simple little e-mail, `Get your butt to the training field.' ''

Following the Voltaire quote, Juliachs stressed in his e-mail the importance of employees attending their last football practice before the Jan. 5 city-county showdown. Then he quoted former President Theodore Roosevelt: ``The trumpet call is the most inspiring of all sounds . . . ''

While critical of his employee's choice of words, Fernandez noted the charity game raised ''hundreds and hundreds'' of canned goods for homeless-services organization Camillus House.

Juliachs, Fernandez said, ``feels extremely remorseful and very, very beside himself.''

Yet the e-mail reignites a tense subject at the Miami city attorney's office: whether the department is an unfriendly environ for black attorneys.

Since Fernandez became city attorney in 2004, some of the department's most-prominent black attorneys have left for jobs elsewhere.

Hey, I just finished Mein Kampf and The Turner Diaries, maybe I should quote some provocative passages in my next brief.

But it's literature, I tell you!

Also, I don't know Bill Juliachs, but dude -- if you are quoting Voltaire and Teddy R. in your intraoffice emails, you might be a bit of of a poseur. Don't worry -- people will know you are smart if you don't try so hard.

Or will they?